I brought insecurity to a photoshoot

Guys! This past week, it seems as if the days got in a car and ditched me! Not only did it seem as if the week has gone by faster than usual, but there were a few surprises along the way. ( We all love surprises, don’t we?!) The thing about God allowing the unexpected to hit us, is that it gives an opportunity to see where our mind is versus where we prayed to be, and the only thing standing in the way of that is a decision.

Last week, out of anticipation and a little nervousness, I decided I wanted to take a few photos; mainly for business purposes and content creation. Mind you, I haven’t taken professional photos since our family portraits in 2012 and before that, senior pictures for high school. I’ve never been the first one to volunteer for pictures, since I’ve suffered from body shaming myself into the shadows the majority of my life. My avoidance of taking professional pictures were out of fear that I wouldn’t like what I’d see. Knowing that the camera would grab every truth of the moment and hold account of it, was a little unsettling. The funny thing is, I never realized my own physical “flaws” until high school, when a boy showed interest and I overheard his friend try to pitch the sale, by saying how cute I was, only thing was…I didn’t have a butt. In the African- American community understand how praised butts are. The holy grail of the Black woman’s body and used to appraise attractiveness and I had none! Although that didn’t matter to the guy who was interested, that was the moment I felt deficit. Truth be told, I’ve never been small or skinny. I was always accredited for my talents, gifts and even having a cute face but the fact that my front was bigger than my back, was depressing! even though that’s a change I can make, for some reason I wanted to be born with great genetics that’d handle my lightwork.

silly, yea I know, but I hate to reveal the truth of the being insecure at 28 yrs old. while trying to build a business, begin grad school and teaching teenagers biblical principles. ( you have to admit, they don’t match) So I decided to go ahead with the photoshoot anyway, excited about finally taking this step, small, yet meaningful. As I’m preparing to go to the location of the shoot, I realize I left a piece of the outfit I wanted to wear. I strategically pieced this thing together, but I didn’t prepare for it. So as bummed out as I was I decided to press on and wear something different. Highly disappointed in the outfit I choose, but I only brought a few choices home so I had to figure something out. Yes, I considered canceling, but this voice kept challenging me: “what if you don’t?” Needless to say, I went and had the time of my life! I hated the jeans I wore, they kinda sagged in the front, the shirt was cute but didn’t hide my belly that I buried in them and the color scheme wasn’t the vision I originally had…But I loved the experience and I loved the boldness I had to do it anyway. During the session the photographer kept saying: “just be free!” in response to my waiting for instructional poses. I have to admit, I felt awkward to be my natural, crazy laughing self, while someone was watching to capture it. So, I kept saying it: “be free, be free.” As I began to walk around with my arms floating around as if I was in the ocean, as my attempt to feel weightless and in the moment I was. I was free of self-inflicted insecurities, harsh judgments and an distorted self-appraisal.

In life we under prepare and yes, we must be accountable to ensure we get it done in excellence. Yet, in those less that perfect moments, when we suffer from the consequences of our unpreparedness, we have to decide to stop and reschedule or go ahead anyway. In frustration, uncertainty, disappointment and fear…go ahead anyway. You may be surprised how the pictures come out.

” Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on HIM. God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe, and HE is the fortress where I feel Secure.” – Psalms 62:5-6, CEV