Singleness, the Mirror We Avoid.

“I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. – 1 Corinthians 7: 35, NLT

So, I’ve made the executive decision to think of ya’ll as my family, so we’re cousins from this point on, so hey cousins! *Inserts hysterical waving emoji* Quick update of life, while taking a break from grad school, I’ve been thinking about my ministry on a different level which is uncomfortable and even embarrassing to admit. Yet, God and I had a conversation and we’re mobilizing Single and Sexless! I’ll be having group discussions on the topic of singleness, celibacy and Christianity and all between in different cities, so be on the lookout! Back to the regularly scheduled entry..As I’ve been contemplating what to write this time, I asked God to give me something that people need. I wanted to answer a question, fill a need or provide comfort for someone who’ve been struggling in a way they think no one else has experience in. A few other topics popped up: low-key idolatry, embarrassing convos with God, etc.. But this one just floated through my mind while doing some bible study on singleness, which was sparked by a conversation between a coworker and I about how singleness seems like a curse. Now I can only speak for myself, I’ve been enjoying my singleness! I love my freedom to go and do as I please with having to notify someone and the freedom to spread across my bed like a parade float on a small street. I will admit though, I wouldn’t mind splitting the bills in half or having the security of having a man around, however Jesus and I have been chilling. I’ve never thought of my singleness as a curse or a gift for that matter until my mom would try to hook me up with her preacher acquaintances…..yeah….no.Last week I got a text from a friend (Who coaches my baby sister’s step team) who wanted to hook me up with a guy she thought would be great for me. Immediately I said “No thanks.” After which, I heard my actual my sister in the background say: “I told you she wouldn’t do it! She turned down all the guys mama told her about.” I definitely wasn’t expecting that, because I had no idea, they were in practice for one but what she said stuck with me. The first thing I thought was, “what am I teaching her?” Now she’s 18 yrs. old, but age doesn’t stop influence. Now, I do have a negative route of what I’m teaching her but let’s go positive for this one. Singleness isn’t something to cure, fix or solve.

Singleness, the sin of the world.

The world paints being single as this helpless, sad state of being. It’s almost a sin to be single nowadays, especially if you’ve been doing this for months, let alone years, like me. I’ve been single, like single-single for 6 years. (We’ll talk about being single-single in another entry.) I have to point out one crazy thing right now, as I’m writing this, a sermonic clip of Smokie Norful’s “The gift of marriage and the gift of singleness.” Is playing right now!! God, get out of here lol!! Thanks for confirmation, Jesus! Anyway, romantic relationships, the more casual the better, are in full swing right now. When I tell people about my singleness and sexless journey being 6 years in, I get looks of pity and immediate investigation. “What’s wrong with her?” “She must be crazy or something?” I mean, we all are a touch imbalanced, S/O to Oprah, but it’s beyond all of that.

Singleness is NOT loneliness and the world hates both.

The confusion of loneliness and singleness makes sense to the world because they don’t recognize Jesus as fitting company. The Holy Spirit accompanies me anywhere and everywhere I go so no, I’m not lonely, by any means, during anything I do. I don’t feel alone, and that’s a huge come up from 8 years ago where I’d go scrolling through old text treads to send the dreaded,” You came across my mind, how have you been?” text. Anytime I talked about going to the movies alone amongst other adventures, I’d get confusing stares and questions like “Why?!” abruptly filling my ears. Over the years, I’ve learned that the world sees being single as loneliness and so when I say that I went to the movies, they assume I went with loneliness and pity begins streaming like Netflix in their assumptions of my life. I refuse to subscribe to any if that. My singleness isn’t necessarily a matter of circumstance, not to say I have men blowing down my DM’s but I could just as easily create a profile on a dating site and get out there, but I choose not to, for several reasons, but the one I take pride in, is my enjoyment of being single, which I’ve noticed secular folks question and/or hate.

Having a relationship while being broken, distracted wholeness from happening.

I’ve seen and I know people I like to categorize as “serial daters”. These are the people you know who jump from relationship to relationship. As soon as they start to complain or complement a person they’re seeing, you start to say one name and they say” No, I’m done with them.” And as you call the list of names they’ve entertained before, you just stop in frustration and await the next new name….yep, those folk. I’ve always seen this cycle merely as a distraction tool, investing time and energy in this person to avoid being alone with yourself and your own issues. Believe me it’s a hard thing to do and frightening to even begin to face.Why do we hate singleness? Being single kills the distraction from meeting the real, unfiltered and organic version of yourself. The trauma you keep trying to live past. The upsetting thoughts that float to the surface of your mind that you keep submerging into the recesses of painful memories. It wasn’t until I stopped using people, sex and pornography as measures of distraction that I could begin to heal, by confronting my own trauma; I couldn’t become a whole person until I did it.

My unresolved hurt, became a motive for revenge.

Whenever I was in a relationship, I’d throw my entire self in, which will sound like a contradiction very shortly. I found myself trying to impersonate my version of what a wife is, when I wasn’t even a woman, spiritually. I was still that 6-year-old girl, trying to take protect myself from my attacker by trying to act like him, distant and nonchalant but not wanting to be alone, so I had to appeal to being what I thought he’d expect a woman to be: clingy, bits of being mother-like without authentic concern and supportive without criticism. It’s all ridiculous when I think of it now, because What I thought a man wanted, I was so far off on nailing. I was so far off from even understanding how I even express concern, how I express my love and care for someone I took into my life and body that I hadn’t realized I didn’t know my authentic self.I carried that broken, vengeful little girl with me for years, feeding her with the opportunity to leave young men just as broken as I was, by never fully allowing them into my heart and if one did, I felt so vulnerable and open it was alarming but felt so good. Just to embrace the feeling of “love” felt confirming but then I’d get hurt yet again before I know it. It felt like being in a war and the other side waving the white flag and as both sides stop firing rounds, both representatives from each side walk to the center of the field and one side decides to shot and kill the rep from the opposing side.

This wasn’t the original entry.

Ya’ll this was in no way my plan for this entry, at all. Be careful what you pray for, it’ll manifest in a way you didn’t expect LOL! My prayer to help someone has come through since God changed this entire entry..I mean ALL OF IT! So, to end here and pick up in another entry, singleness isn’t something that needs to fixed, solved or cured. Your singleness season, may seem daunting as lies begin to flow through your mind that you’re unattractive and undesirable. This is not the defining moment of your single season, it’s the choice to focus on God and self. Getting better with everyday and not making life’s mission to get married and start a family. That should be an add-on in your life’s purpose, not the sole purpose of your existence. God’s sacrifice confirms your importance, love and desire for you, the authentic you that you keep running from. Allow God to help you confront that person and yes that person is raggedy and isn’t preferred, they’re supposed to be because you wouldn’t expose all of yourself to God.Never allow people to be your confirmation and affirmation that you and your ideas are useful and purposeful, it feels great, but God has already done that. Relationships aren’t meant to confirm our identity and value, because if they do, they’ve become God in our lives. Make sure you’re looking in the right mirror before you leave the house. You could be looking into a distorted mirror and believe that your image is one way when God said it’s something else. Thanks for reading, may peace and blessings follow you all your days and look out for the next one, see ya cousin!


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