unequipped to be jealous pt. 1

“Surely vexation kills the fool, and jealousy slays the simple. ” Job 5:2

The measurement of being a woman includes the length in which she is pursued. Sounds nice right? Sounds like a line from a poem; nope, not at all, I just made it up as an attempt to bring a creative flair to this entry. *insert shrug* In a sense, there’s some truth to it though, despite the obvious flaw in this thinking. In my life, I’ve made mental notes on my own physical flaws to become more attractive. Piling weave, stilettos and makeup on my body while trying to bend my spine to mimic curves of girls who walked “heavy”. In other words, I wanted a huge butt and hips to match. It’s almost blasphemous in the Black culture to not have lower body curves. A big butt and a smile is apart of the culture in some sense…S/O to Bell Biv and DeVoe. Although they say should never trust both ln a woman, there’s a reason why, because she’s tempting and cause damage! I wanted to be that woman!!

As childish as this sounds, I’ve found a few women who felt less feminine and desirable because their charisma was bigger than their booty and breasts. Even now, there are times where I wish my body looked like a capital ‘S’. I know, I know, we all know! Our bodies aren’t the only thing that should define us as women. Our minds, capacity to bear the unknown and handling multiple operations seamlessly should be taken into account and they are. The thing we quickly forget is that, when we want to become something, we must take into account the consequences of becoming and how our personality will handle those consequences.  How these people are perceived, how are they treated, the pros and cons of being them. Welp, a quick conversation with my bestie slapped me into reality of the consequences of having what you want.

My bestie is a woman who most consider to be physically blessed, as her measurements are 33, 29 and 39, so yep she’s a coke bottle. I’ve watched both men and women struggle to ignore her when she walked by and honestly, it was weird to watch at first. Mainly because I was responding through unresolved trauma of sexual assault, so the craze and over sexualized stares would send me into defensive overdrive. The other part of it is that I didn’t get that response when we’d have a girls’ night out. The first time shocked me, not because she was getting attention, but because I got none! I thought to myself, “OMG, I’ve become the ugly friend that no one approaches!”  Don’t front now! We all have experienced a friend in our group who never really got the attention of men like the other’s did, and that was never an issue of mine especially in college! I realized after experiencing that, I needed to do some inner work, before the outer work could begin..