Until the water runs clear

“You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you to freedom. This false teaching is like a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough!”
Galatians 5:7‭-‬9 NLT


Have you ever had to wash something and judged cleanliness by looking at the water during the rinse? Imagine that, but the water being God and the remaining dirt is your decisions & unconscious beliefs.

The stain of any decision lies in the influence behind those decisons. Recently, during a conversation, I realized that past issues and trauma have kept storage in my mind and playing out through fears that would only live in hypothetical situations. Crazy right?! Well, sadly it’s true.


The fear of the absolute unknown, especially in relationships, helps to construct the lie that singleness equates to safety, at least, in my mind. Although years removed from damaging situations, I’ve noticed I have a fear of extreme change. When something starts out one way but completely changes into something else later, freaks me. It’s I have a fear of marrying and being vulnerable to a man who seems God-given at first and then starts to unravel his true self. Coming down from the mountain of the pleasantries of “new love” to the valley of seeing their unpreferred and raggedy traits seems more burdensome to deal with it when I don’t have to.


God used that conversation to pull that out of me and I was genuinely shocked! I didn’t think I had daddy issues! My parents were married for about 25 years, never separated and all the great stuff of having a dad in the home. Plus, I’ve declared healing, freedom and deliverance from the sexual trauma of molestation from 23 years ago. Now the question is …am I really? If I’m trying to save myself from falling for a destructive guy, do I trust God with my love life? What if I choose wrong because I choose comfort over newness? Dysfunction is familiar and being surrounded with unhealthy marriages have shaped my view of choice.

The fear of my own unawareness when it comes to relationships, men and even trusting God with this part of life is difficult to accept. I mean, who wants to say they don’t trust God on any level??

This is only the beginning of surrender in a different space and knowing he wants to address this now says alot. You may not have the same issues as me, but know that judging your own sense of deliverance and holiness because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re not clean.. Everyday we have to choose to be cleaned by God, every. Single. Day. (Insert claps) One hlthing to keep in mind during your walk is knowing that you’re still free even when you don’t feel like it. You’re still a winner even when you lose a battle, God declares you a winner, the hard part is trusting your identity even when you can’t see evidence of it, even within your own self.


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