A little while back, the revelation hit me that I may never be married. While the thought may be a depressing one to some, in a strange way, I’ve accepted it as a possibility. It may be God’s will for me to remain single for whatever reason and if that’s the case, I figured I’d have to get comfortable with it either way. So, if this is the case, there are some things I’d like to say to him. (Weird, right?) For some reason, I felt like doing this, As I type this out, I’m still not sure, but I’m going to follow what I feel in the moment, so here we go.
To my “maybe” husband, just so you know upfront, writing letters to people who’d never read them is not unusual for me, but writing to a possibility is admittedly weird. There’s so much I don’t know about you , I have no idea how I’d even react to meeting you. Most Christian singles are out here reading Micheal Todd’s relationship book and reinventing lists of desirable traits for their future spouse. Meanwhile, I’ve been avoiding all of it. I haven’t revisited my old lists of what I thought a husband should be and I don’t feel comfortable doing it now. *shrug*
I honestly think it’s stupid, all the lists, and the “how to pray for you future spouse” books. So, yeah, I’ve been avoiding praying for you and about you because I don’t want to waste time on empty prayers. Not because I’m trying to protect myself from the disappointment that we will never meet; I’m honestly afraid of the damage I may cause. Now, before you attempt to play a variation of Wale songs that echo the hurts of bitter women, how I’ve been mishandled and cue the ” there’s no need to be afraid of love” speeches, Let me tell you that I’m not. I”m afraid that there’s a part of me that will always be afraid of what I haven’t seen.
No, happy and healthy marriages aren’t something I’ve seen in reality and I am responsible for my own perspective as an adult. My fear is that I’d be unbalanced in my expectation of us, both individually and together. I don’t want to be swept away in romance, I want to stay grounded, but not so much so, to where I limit either one of us to harsh reality leading to a brick wall. I don’t know, maybe I just want to fore warn you about me. Maybe this is a way to admit to the fear of becoming delusional like most people when they fall in love. I do hope to meet you. I also hope that I never project my expectations, both just and distorted onto you in any and every way.
What I will pray for, is the ability to see exactly who you are and to come to know more of who I am. That way, I can say whether I have you in my life or not, I saw the truth and chose accordingly. That is my ultimate goal in life. Not to be a hopeless romantic, but to be completely sober if I ever meet you, so I can’t say I didn’t see “it” coming. Of course “it” being the disappointment, lies and failures I removed from your humanity.
I will pray that God reveals and uncovers every sore spot in my life and my perspective on love, marriage and family. I pray I don’t mishandle you, if you show up. I pray that my experiences, will not become my expectation, and I pray that you know how to pray, because you’re prayers will be needed!
hoping to learn how to love soon , your wife that was never promised.