self sabotage

One thing I’m learning is that faulty thinking doesn’t reveal itself until the moment has passed, unless it slaps my face in the moment. I’ve been learning more about myself, and I have to admit, it’s not pretty. The indecisiveness, the failure to take initiative, concern for the opinions of others… I mean, I can name my flaws, flawlessly. Yet, highlighting my successes is something I rarely do. Besides, we all have things we need to improve on, yet there’s a delicate balance between healthy critique and self loathing.

This past weekend, I decided to celebrate my birthday in Washington, DC. It’s a place I’ve always dreamt of visiting and I have no idea why! I have no intrest in the monuments, the white house or any political influence the city has. My obession with go go music has no pull on why I wanted to visit, but let’s say it was a dream manifested. (Not in the creepy way) During the trip, my mind couldn’t help but think about the ways we self sabotage ourselves.

I began to think about the paycheck to paycheck cycles I’ve lived in, the attraction to damaging personalities and characteristics of those I’ve surrounded my self with. My own truama induced appetites, in which I’ve suppressed it’s origins for the sake of “this is who I am” moments. It bothered me, alot to say the least. While on this trip, I kept thinking to myself, “I could really have whatever I want.” I know, that’s a huge leap from sabotage to entitlement, but before you roll your eyes, this came from a place of incredible ambition.

I’m usually not the ambitious type, by any means. I like being comfortable and safe, it’s both comfortable and …..safe! But I know that in order to have the things beyond my comfrot zone, I’d have to address my mind’s default settings that can casue me to lose what I’ve worked to obtain. So, I started to explore things that are considered self sabotage that I haven’t noticed.

Overeating, not eating enough, avoiding healthy eating and the same goes with sleep. Negative thoughts, ignoring what we want to change but don’t want to put the work into. Neglecting our passions and gifts, all work and no play, all play and no work, ignoring our need of Christ and being overly spiritual. Taking no accountability or responisbility and taking on all of it. Over planning and over analyzing and not doing enough planning. Overspending, caring for others more than ourselves as well as not caring enough about others.

There’s so much that goes into making sure we’re not self sabotaging ourselves for the sake of comfort. The most reavling thing of all of this is knowing how abuse and neglect can become so familiar to us and we’ll destroy peace and security in order to feel what’s familiar. Knowing that stability and joy aren’t things that are native to our reality for some of us. The act of worrying is a tradtion that makes us feel “normal” and that’s troubling enough to inspire a desire for a heart, mind and perception change.